I may be talking to no one on here or I may be talking to you, the kind soul who clicked on/stumbled across this post and for some reason decided to read on. So thank you! And hello.
Today I will be discussing something I discovered in a Ted Talk (the link I will attach below!). This talk was life changing stuff, I kid you not- what did it discuss, you may ask? Relationships. Don’t roll your eyes just yet.
Relationships with ourselves!
The talk made me realise that out of all the relationships I have in my life (family, friends), I have the worst one with myself. I don’t listen to myself, I put myself down constantly, I don’t pay attention to what I really want and how to get it, I am in constant comparison with other people… Essentially I am the worst self-friend ever. And yet here I’ve been, moaning on a blog about a failed relationship (situation-ship is the more millennial-approved term) with someone else as if it would have ever worked anyway. It wouldn’t have. Because I would have brought a tonne of baggage, labelled ‘insecurities’, ‘lack of self awareness’, ‘inferiority complex’ and ‘I don’t know what I want in life’.
The Ted talk taught me the importance of establishing a relationship with ME above anything else. You know what’s so great about this? I will never leave myself; it will be the best relationship I’ve ever had, the most fulfilling.
It’s gonna be a wild journey- care to join?
You can watch the Ted Talk via this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmUayKnHWWM&index=6&list=LLtzut6en1j0mKkIE7pm7Tvg
Hello, I’m back.
For a girl who insists writing is her dream, you’d think I’d write more on this blog. Truth is I have been completely consumed with my university exams or crying about my university exams or taking naps to avoid studying for my university exams. Thankfully, they are now all over and I am graduating with a first class in chemical engineering-who knew it was actually possible?
Also, I haven’t been feeling THAT inspired, if I’m being honest. My life as of late has been boring and uneventful. My friend literally texted me yesterday asking how my love life was and I replied ‘what’s a love life?’.
I’m getting into the unhealthy head space of feeling the need for a relationship or male attention and it is actually upsetting me- because I have read my previous posts about getting to know myself and loving myself before exploring someone else and yet here I am longing for companionship. A classic example of someone not taking their own advice.
You know what else? Guys, it took me about two good years to get over a guy I thought was ‘it’ and it really sucked- thinking of him with someone else, seeing pictures of him with someone else, hearing about him with someone else… It was almost unbearable. It still can be weird sometimes- but I’m pretty sure that’s a normal reaction, even if one has moved on. I am in a precarious situation where I have to see the guy at least once a week and whilst I used to really struggle with the thought, now I see him and there’s no stomach lurching, no ‘butterflies’. Even now, however, it’s hard for me to fathom investing in someone else- doing the same cute things with someone else. I know it’s silly and crazy because people start new relationships all the time but still… I don’t know.
So here I am, wanting a new love story and rejecting the thought at the same time. Makes total sense, doesn’t it?
It’s been a while. A lot has been going on, you see. I’m now in my third and final year at university- people, I’m FINALLY finishing my chemical engineering degree! How insane, because I literally remember writing on here about starting university and feeling at odds with my course. People warn you about how fast the time goes but you never really listen- until it’s the end of January 2018 and you’re graduating in July 2018. Eek.
But aside from the fact that I’m getting old, I’m also getting used to something else. So I had jaw surgery last July to fix my underbite- I know, big deal. In fact, I had no idea how big a deal it was till I woke up 4 hours after being taken into the operating room with a swollen face- one that I didn’t recognise at all. I knew how big a deal it was but I was in no way prepared for what came after being in the hospital. No chewing food for six weeks, an upturned nose, HUGE cheeks and people constantly throwing me sympathetic looks. Undoubtedly, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through.
You want to know what’s really funny? It’s just gone six months since the surgery and my face still hasn’t settled- there’s still a little swelling and that means I’m still very insecure in myself. Before the surgery, despite my misaligned jaws, I still thought I was relatively pretty- and was told that by the people around me. Since the surgery, I’ve been confused as to what I am now- as if my image completely defines me. Jaw surgery is meant to make your face more symmetrical and aligned, on top of the more important fixing-your-teeth-alignment thing. So far, for me, the symmetry is a little off and consequently I’m torn between ‘I’m prettier and look better’ and ‘crap, what did I do, I’ve messed up my face’. It’s not fun.
But it has taught me A LOT about myself and how concerned I’ve been with my looks my whole life. Why? Why have I amounted my self-worth to how I look and how people think I look? It’s sad. It’s more than sad, it’s ridiculous. Society so often teaches us that our value comes from how we look; Instagram is full of perfect looking people with tonnes of fans commenting ‘You’re my inspiration’… They’re your inspiration because they were genetically blessed? Something’s definitely off here. In no way am I saying not to admire outter beauty- heck, I do it all the time. What I am saying is that we should all remind ourselves, all the time, that our bodies are not all we are- not even half of what we are. We are so much more than a swollen face or an upturned nose or crooked teeth or frizzy hair or perfect teeth or pretty eyes or a tiny nose or a pretty smile…
We’re us. And it’s enough.
More than enough.
And I’m going to remind myself of this every time I become insecure- which, as a twenty year old woman in the 21st century, will inevitably be quite a lot.
One day, it won’t be.
I will be twenty in a month and a few days. I just need a minute…
And another minute…
Yes, twenty. It’s hard to fathom that I am officially leaving my teens and my foolish teenage decisions behind (ha, yeah, not likely). I realise I can no longer blame all the stupid things I do (and there are many) on being a teenager (ergo knows nothing). It is terrifying. It is exciting. I am not ready.
But I do not have a choice; age is coming for me, as it does for all of us. So I’m going to suck it up and embrace my twenties (oh my goodness, twenties!) and all the changes I’m sure it will bring.
My twentieth year has already started off in its own special way… It has taught me that a stupid boy breaking your heart is nothing on the passing away of a loved one. It has taught me the importance of loving and sharing and kindness, of never giving up on anything that brings you joy or reward.
I guess I’m now just a willing student, eager to learn.
It’s been a while, I know. It’s also been a crazy summer- one full of laughter and friendship and really hot days (in Britain, who would have thought!). But no romance. Ok, no real romance.
Here’s the thing: you know when you’ve liked someone for so long that it becomes a fact of life, but you can’t really recall the reasons why? That was me. It hasn’t escaped me that I got my first real crush at 15 and was harbouring it for four years +. Here I was, pining over a guy without stopping to think why.
Maybe it’s because I’ve escaped to uni that I feel this way- this way being I feel, for the first time in ages, completely satisfied with my life and not crushed that the boy I thought was ‘the real deal’ was actually just one of the many mistakes I have made/ am yet to make. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves though, I’m pretty sure the moment I get back home and have to encounter him I’m still going to feel slightly strange. But maybe this time it will be strange as in ‘I once fancied the pants off you, I made out with you, I more or less saw a future with you and now I accept that there’s nothing more with you’.
Feelings- strange things they are. They come and go. Mine have taken a slightly while longer to go, but I know this doesn’t make me a total loser. It just means I’m a young girl who was extremely naïve- so sue me. Now that my heart is FINALLY mending, I can focus on more important things- like buying the ‘Friday Night Lights’ boxset now that Netflix have gotten rid of it (why, Netflix, why?!).
I kid (sort of). I just want to remember and I want anyone reading this to remember that people come into and leave our lives for a reason; also, don’t forget that there are much bigger, better things that lie ahead than any we leave behind.
And lastly: never settle for less than what you deserve.
Well, that’s it everyone. My first year of university is complete- has been for a week now- and I have 4 months to myself. Four months to do whatever I want; this level of freedom feels better than ever before. I thought A-Levels were the hardest thing I’d ever have to get through. It’s safe to say that I was wrong. End of year university exams are no joke- they were tears-inducing, worry-creating and stress-enhancing bundles of evil.
But I got through them. Somehow, I’m now sat happily in my living room typing and listening to my sister recite her GCSE History notes (clearly, one is more attention-grabbing here), completely stress free.
I’m not, however, writing to show off that I’m a free agent and rub it in your faces, believe it or not. In a teeny tiny way, I may be writing because I’m appalled by how long it’s been since I last uploaded- but my main reason is to share a few words of newly-19-year-old wisdom (ha):
Nothing lasts forever, even if you want it to. In my case, I didn’t want the four weeks of examination torture to last. It felt like they’d never end and for a good two months I was bordering miserable. Most of the time I failed to see the good that was coming afterwards. It’s so easy to do that in this life. When we’re going through something, it seems like the whole world revolves around it, that there’ll never be anything after it. There will. The all-consuming passionate relationship? That could last till death- it could last till next month. The bullying? God knows there are people (sick, unhappy people) who will make it their life’s mission to treat you badly for as long as possible. The truth is, it will only last so long before either you’re taken out of that situation, you face and conquer them (as it should be) or they fade away into oblivion, forced to face the fact that all along they’ve been running from their cowardly selves.
‘This too shall pass’. It’s really easy to lose sight of what’s important. Happiness and being OK with yourself is far more important than those exams you can’t stop thinking about or the boy who fails to see your greatness (his loss, I say).
I figure once I’ve achieved self-acceptance and can say I’m truly happy, I’ll have this whole ‘living’ thing down.
Everything else will just be nice finishing touches.
I haven’t posted this year and it’s probably because, up until now, I didn’t know what I’d say. I promised to stop talking about a boy and I wasn’t sure it was possible to do that and therefore I’d be going back on my promise. I just realised that I can talk about how I feel without it being wrapped up in a cocoon of him.
As I sit on my uni bedroom floor and listen to Ed Sheeran’s ‘Kiss me’, it dawns upon me that for the past four or so years, I have been stuck. And I have experienced something that not everyone gets to- believe it or not, I fell in love. It’s bizarre to think that at only 18 and 3/4 of a year, I have experienced that deep and all important feeling. But I just know. And I count myself lucky for it.
As I close that chapter of my life, say goodbye to that almost-relationship, I can only smile at the really good memories, cringe at the really bad ones and come to a state of acceptance that the past is just that. I can’t drag it any further into this year or my life. I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and everything happening in my life is leading up to something bigger and better and more beautiful.
I want whoever’s reading to feel this way too. I’m currently teaching myself to fall out of love but in such a way that I’m landing on my two feet and coming out better for it. The past is a nice place to visit but a bad place to say, as the saying (I think) goes. So be thankful for what you did get to experience, close the door, turn around and believe there are better things ahead.
There just has to be.
Happy new year, lovely people.